Gradual Decision

March 13

Things are starting to pile up at work-- it's a little stressful, thinking about all the stuff I need to get done. But if I step back and consider things with even a little perspective, I calm down. I have enough time to do this stuff... and really, if I don't finish, so what? The sky's not going to fall down.

I only worry about work when I'm at work, at least. As soon as I get in my car and head home, the switch is thrown, and I don't even think about the Job Goblin until the next day.

It'd be nice to have a job I care about, though.

Which is why I'm going to grad school.

Many entries back I talked about various future possibilities, including grad school... and the more I think about it, the more right it seems. I'll go somewhere and get an MFA in poetry. I'll spend a couple of years doing nothing but reading and writing and thinking and arguing about literature. Then I'll try to get a job teaching the stuff. Sounds pretty nifty to me-- a lot better than administrative scutwork.

I came to this decision yesterday, while I was sweeping at work. Cleaning up. I'm not a janitor, but it's a small office, and we all multi-task-- but I'm the sole member of the "support staff" at our Design Center. It is not, generally, an onerous job. And it's not that I mind sweeping or cleaning, I really wasn't offended at all to be assigned that task; hell, it got me outside in the beautiful weather for a little while. But I realized I was spending my time doing jobs that are essentially meaningless-- that I'm wasting my time. I get some satisfaction out of the writing portion of my job, and I'm looking somewhat forward to helping overhaul our website (though that's going to be an ordeal in many ways-- long-distance micromanagement from the main office in Nevada is going to drive me nuts), but overall I don't take pride in this work. I don't even take an interest in it.

But I like school. I'm good at school. I'm interested in teaching (and the few workshops I've taught were wonderful). I love academia. Maybe this rekindling of my love for academia comes from reading along with Mary Anne's life. Maybe reading Tam Lin and remembering how yummy college can be has something to do with it. I don't know-- but just making this decision has done wonders for my outlook.

There are many details to be worked out. I'm going to have to talk to Meg about timing, since she plans to go to grad school, too. I'm going to have to take the GRE. I have to research schools and decide where I'd like to study. I'll have to put together a portfolio, and contact people for recommendation letters, and all sorts of stuff. This isn't a short-term thing. It could be a couple of years before I start school (it certainly won't happen next year), and in the meantime I should try to get more poetry published, and start reading more widely in the field. But I'm excited. It's a goal. The only other goal of my adult life has been to become a full-time writer, and that's still what I want, but academia is something I can do in the meantime that I'll actually enjoy.

Eudora Welty, the great southern author, once said of her writing method "I know the beginning, and I always know where I want to end up, but it's usually a mystery how I'm going to get there."

It's nice knowing where I want to end up. And at this point I don't mind a little mystery regarding how exactly I'm going to get there.