I Be Dead People

April 1

Did I ever tell y'all about my past lives?

The first ones I remember are sort of murky-- mostly dirt, hunger, and then falling off cliffs. Or being eaten. Once by a big cat, once by some big hairy dudes. The earliest name I remember having was Aethelides. Mom always said I was the son of Mercury, but if he was my dad, he didn't come by so much. Mom said he was pretty busy being messenger for the gods. She always said she really hated our in-laws, but I don't remember meeting them, either. Truth is, there's not a lot of detail in my memory from that life-- I mostly just remember eating a lot of olives.

There was a whole string of Greek lives after that; I'm not sure why. Maybe I was in Greece all along, only I didn't know it, since I usually died so quickly. After being Aethelides I was Euphorbus. That was in Phrygia. I was in a war in that life, I think-- I ran some guy through with a lance, and then some other guy killed him-- I think it was Hector who finished the guy off. Like he wouldn't have died anyway, you know? That's what peritonitis is for.

Then I was, um, Hermotimus, I think. I was a prophet, which you'd think would be a good way to lead an easy life, but it wasn't.

Then I was a fisherman. From that life I remember mostly that I hated fish.

Oh, and after that, I was Pythagoras, which was pretty cool. When I was Pythagoras, I remembered my other lives-- which was the last time I had cross-lifetime-remembering, before this life, anyway. Being Pythagoras ruled. People remember the triangle thing, but I did way cooler stuff than that. I figured out the whole deal about the transmigration of souls-- remembering past lives will make you think about that sort of thing. I figured out that there was a lot more going on with celestial bodies than a simple game of ring-around-the-world-- though I did think Earth was the center of the universe. I'm still a little sheepish about that. As Pythagoras, I was noted for my manly beauty and my long hair (which, you know, is pretty much what I'm noted for in my present life). I tamed bears and eagles with a touch of my hand. I wouldn't try that in this life.

After being Pythagoras I was a goat. A very long-lived goat, or else several goats in succession, I can't recall.

That took me up to, oh, the 7th century, I guess. It runs together for a while after that-- there's a lot of plagues and snow and stuff. And more fish. I never have liked fish. I'm pretty sure I got it on with Michelangelo one time, though.

I mostly hung out in Europe, until the Black Plague and the Spanish Inquisition. I died, like, six times from that stuff. Total bummer. At some point I was reborn in the Americas, which was pretty cool until my living heart was scooped from my chest and fed to a feathered serpent.

Random aside: In all my past lives that I remember I was male, but I wasn't always heterosexual. That probably has some significance that escapes me.

Oh, except for when I was a paramecium. I guess they don't have a sex. And one time I was one of those toads that can change sex when the need comes along, but I don't think the need ever came along.

I started transmigrating northward at some point, and I had a bunch of lives in North America, most of which involved a pleasant life of hunter-gathering. Those were good ones. Then I worked as a lumberjack, and in some mines, and that mostly sucked.

I was a black-footed ferret. Then I was a prairie dog, and I got eaten by a black-footed ferret.

I hope that doesn't have any significance. I hope all this reincarnation isn't meant to, like, teach me some lesson or group of lessons, because if so, I don't get it. When I was Pythagoras I thought I got it, but I also thought the sun went around the earth, so what the hell did I know?

One time I was Groucho Marx, but I don't like to talk about that.

Now I'm me. I can remember all the past lives, too, which is kinda cool, and which makes me feel better about dying, which would otherwise really piss me off.

I'm a little curious to see what I'll be next time, though, since I've been unable to determine any pattern.

It'd be cool to be a plantain.

Or a cold virus.

Or, like, President.

"Come on, I'm an April Fool for you."

-Dave Pirner